During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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