Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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