is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Drake has all the answers
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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