I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Is it because I queefed?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
