Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
