I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
