Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
