fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
