Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
