Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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