Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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