rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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