Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
