Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
