I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
