Well douche your snatch and let's go!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
