my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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