I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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