i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
