Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
