I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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