Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
