the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
