I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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