Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You made out with two different species that night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
