Plan B is the new Plan A
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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