i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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