I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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