I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
