I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
