I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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