I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wish there were birth control emojis
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
