It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
