My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
