Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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