There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
