i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
