i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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