I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Terrible idea I love it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
