I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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