my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
