I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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