Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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