he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
