I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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