Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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