youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
People in love make me want to vomit
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
