I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
