She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
