"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The maid of honor just puked.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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